Forward March

Life it seems is a constant juxtaposition of our carefully vexed out plans coupled with completely random events that turn our plans upside down. You wake up, you look into the mirror and like George from the movie ‘a single man’ you tell yourself to get through the goddamn day. Maybe this is starting the day in the name of God, in a slightly more cynical way. I want to be pretentious and say that we are vessels in this grand ocean of life sailing to our unspecified destinations and coming across numerous ebbs and flows that this ocean of life throws on us. But this would be rather empty and hollow. Instead I will admit that I have constructed my life based on the expectations of everyone around me. Working hard, becoming gainfully employed, the idea of marriage all comes from my interpretation of what is required from me based on the expectations of others. In retrospect everything seemed like a good idea at the time. But they were never my ideas, but expectations that I tried to fulfill. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and kid, they are the centre of my universe. The only thing is that I feel like an alien in my own universe and the sense of not belonging here gets stronger with every passing day. It is an impasse of sorts I guess, a checkmate of plans if you will of my own making. And I am surprised about being surprised at all of this. I never really knew myself, like finding out only recently that I have been suffering from mild dyslexia all my life which prevents me to sense left from right, a condition that becomes dangerous when I am being given directions whilst driving. I have discovered that I can write as badly with my left hand as I have been writing with my right hand all my life. Feel like going on a Happy Slapping trip targeting all those monstrous teachers who had colored my homework books red with bad handwriting comments. But the pragmatist in me wakes me up by reminding me that this is me trying to blame the world for the pitfalls in my life and mostly of my own making. This pragmatist also holds an insurmountable amount of positivity who reminds me of the blessings that I have and the responsibilities that I need to fulfill. This pragmatist calms me down and brings me back to the path where I rejoin the herds on the forward march of conventionality towards the oblivion.